Diving into working parenthood head first

A few years ago, Paige Connell began posting on Instagram and TikTok about life as a working mom of 4.

And very quickly, her content took off. 

People loved the way she broke down working parent topics like the cost of daycare, how she navigates the mental load with her husband and the importance of paid parental leave. 

But there is so much more to Paige than what you see on her social channels.

Paige had a unique path to parenthood. 

After struggling with infertility, she became a foster parent to two young toddlers in 2019. She also gave birth in 2020 and 2022, going from zero to four kids in just under four years.

In this episode, Paige talks about her experience with foster care, adoption and parental leave - and how critical it was to have a supportive employer through her parenting journey. 

We end with a few rapid fire questions, including what’s most rewarding about her advocacy for working parents as a digital creator.

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Allison: Hi, Paige, thank you so much for joining me today.

Paige: Thanks for having me, I'm excited.

Allison: I would love to start off with you sharing more about your path to parenthood.‍

Paige: Sure. So I went from zero kids to four kids in about three and a half years, give or take. And so I started trying to conceive in my late 20s. I think I was 29 or 28, maybe when I first started. And unfortunately had multiple pregnancy losses and was just having an experience that was quite difficult. But while I was trying to conceive, I had also been being licensed to be a foster parent.

So I had started that process about a year prior to trying to conceive with my husband. We had learned about foster care and the children that needed care at the time. I decided to move forward with getting licensed. And so kind of in tandem with trying to conceive, we were also, you know, exploring that path. And in June of 2019, we met our two oldest kids. They were one and two years old at the time and we fostered them.

They moved in with us in 2019. And so we dove into parenthood headfirst with two toddlers and having, you know, never cared for a child in that way before. And it was quite an experience. Foster care is very different than either adoption and or having a biological child because there are a lot of requirements when you are a foster parent and a lot of meetings and appointments and regulations and so it is a unique journey for people who have fostered you will know but if you haven't it's actually quite intense and puts a lot of responsibility on the foster parents to make sure that they are meeting certain requirements and so that's how we became parents for the first time.

Allison: And you were telling me very briefly when we were doing prep, you fostered them first, obviously, before adopting them. And you actually took your parental leave during the foster period, not upon the adoption being completed or finalized. Can you tell me about how that works? And how did you, how did, what was the thought process in deciding? And maybe it wasn't even a decision. Maybe the only time you were able to take leave was during the foster process. I'm just curious how that whole system worked.

Paige: Sure, so it depends on where you live and your company. At the time, I spoke with my boss and we were a small company. So I think we were under 10 people. And so technically, they didn't have to give me any kind of maternity leave or anything like that. But my boss is actually from Australia and he believes strongly in giving everybody leave. But we were a small company. So I was given eight weeks of paid, fully paid maternity leave at the time. And I personally just asked for it. 

And it is quite normal for a foster parent to take leave upon fostering because foster care is not intended to result in adoption. So I always like to say that, you know, foster care is meant to reunite children, but it does not mean there is not an importance in spending that time bonding with those children, getting them comfortable in your home, learning the ins and outs of caring for them, you know, no matter how old.

that child is, right? This is a huge, huge thing for them. It's very traumatic. It can be for a young child. And so it was important to me to be with them for those eight weeks. I wish I'd had longer, but to be with them for those eight weeks, to spend that time learning about them and bonding with them and understanding the foster care system and all the things that that entailed. And so for me, it was what I wanted, but also oftentimes now I think in the state of Massachusetts, where I live, it is when you are allowed to take the leave. So you are eligible to take leave upon fostering a child. So you have that right if you work for a company that pays into it and you can take leave when you decide to foster.

Allison: This is such a basic question, but were you, did you take the leave right when the children moved in with you? Did you start it before? Like, how did that work?

Paige: Yeah, so with foster care, especially when they're not newborns, oftentimes you'll have a transition period. So we had about a six week period of transition where we would take the kids on a playdate or we would take them for a full day or a weekend or an overnight. And so we did that over a period of about six weeks. I did not take my leave until they officially moved into our house full time. 

And so I took PTO days, I took half days, I worked from home, I did things because I had a flexible job and was able to, but I did not start my leave until they moved into our home officially and we officially became their foster parents.

Allison: What type of flexibility was necessary from your employer leading up to that foster placement?

Paige: Yes, so becoming a licensed foster parent is actually quite intense depending on where you live, at least here in the state where I am. And so I had to do 10 weeks of classes. I think it was like every Wednesday night I had to be in a building at six o 'clock for three hours and do all these classes. I had to do home studies. We had to do quite a lot.

And it required me taking some time off, you know, and leaving work on time. I worked in the city and I had to get somewhere an hour outside the city every Wednesday for six o 'clock and hopefully try to eat before I was stuck there for nine or three hours. And so, yeah, I required a workplace that understood what I was undertaking and my need for that time off and that flexibility. And even more so, I needed it once the children moved in with us, because children who are in foster care often have lots of visits with their parents. There's a lot of requirements with their caseworkers. And so there's a lot that goes into that. And oftentimes that does not take place outside of the nine to five hours.

Allison: And were you open with your employer that…at what point did you tell them you were looking into this?

Paige: I don't actually remember, I don't think it was until we met the kids or learned of the kids. I don't think I had, we have a very close relationship, he and I, and so I always felt very comfortable telling him, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. That's the thing with foster care is you don't actually know if there'll be a child who needs your care or not and for how long they'll be with you. And so it is a very...it ebbs and flows the needs of a foster parent. And so I didn't tell him until we felt pretty sure that they were going to be moving in with us.

Allison: And did your husband also get leave for that, for the older two children? 

Paige: He did not, no. He does not get leave, unfortunately, from his company. He does now from the state, but he did not, he was not eligible for leave.

Allison: What was that experience like then? You become a parent via foster to adoption and you're on leave, your partner is not. What was that experience like for you?

Paige: Yeah, it was hard. Fostering is really difficult on everybody involved because there's a lot of emotions. I always like to tell people, you know, my oldest just turned seven and when he moved into our house, he just turned two. And my youngest right now is two years old. And I always say to my husband, I'm like, I look at her and I think, could you imagine just taking her out of this home and putting her somewhere new tomorrow? Like what that would do to her and what that would do to the people caring for her. 

They don't know what she likes or her needs or who she is and what makes her laugh. And I didn't know any of those things about my kids. I couldn't know those things. And so it was a real learning period. And my husband didn't get that with the kids and he wanted it, but he didn't get it in the same way that I did. 

And it was actually quite difficult because our youngest at the time, she was one, and she was very, very attached to me and very fearful of him. She'd never lived with a man in her foster home. It was all girls and women. And so she was scared of him. And he felt like he wasn't able to, you know, bond with her and spend the time with her to make her comfortable, but also to learn what she needed. And it took us a while. It took her a while to be comfortable with him and vice versa.  And so I think had he been home for those eight weeks with me. If we'd had that dedicated time together, I don't think it would have taken as long for her to have that bond with him.

Allison: You know, I'm, I, as you're talking about this, I, it's just, it's making me think about so many things because I talk nonstop about why fathers, non-birth parents should get leave. And I think oftentimes these systems are constructed thinking there's a man and a woman and they are giving birth and therefore the woman will most likely get, you know, short -term disability or paid leave.

The man oftentimes does not in the United States. And there are these systems that are constructed around that. And I talk about that all the time, right? Like we need fathers to have leave. And what's so interesting about when I live in that sort of picture and I'm talking about that situation, oftentimes I'm also talking about how important it is for the mother to have her partner at home to support. 

Because in that situation, there's a baby and like the baby needs to survive, but there and of course bond, but it, it strikes me how different that is when you're dealing with children who are older and have different needs and almost like there's an extra layer and necessity in everyone receiving paid leave in that environment for, for slightly different reasons, almost are more reasons than I would say if it's like a man and a woman giving birth, then there's this newborn in the home. 

Paige: Yeah, no, I have so many thoughts on this. And if y 'all indulge me a little bit, but I think, you know, I talk a ton about the mental load and the inequities that exist between men and the women in the home and men and women in the workforce, right? Men not taking parental leave is harmful to women both at home in their day -to -day lives and in the workforce, right? We have the motherhood penalty and the wage gap and all of these things, but at home specifically, you know.

In this instance for me, my husband also didn't get to learn how to take care of kids in the same way that I had to at that moment. He didn't know who their doctors were or their dentist or their caseworker because I was physically the one taking them everywhere. And so then I became the keeper of the keys, right? It was my job because I had done it. It was going to be a lot of work to try and teach him. I had a more flexible job. I had eight weeks off. And so at the end of those eight weeks, I was now the default primary parent to these children, even when I was back at work full time. And so.

I think it was a disservice to both of us in that way because it didn't allow him to step into his role as a father in the way that he would have wanted to or I would have wanted him to. And it didn't allow him to step up as a partner either to take on a part of the responsibility that we now had as parents. I became the default. And this happens oftentimes when you do give birth. I found it too. And I gave birth to my biological children. It became my responsibility because I was home and I was pumping and I was doing all these things. 

And therefore, because I pumped, now all of her feeding was my job forever. I think when men in particular, and non -birthing parents don't have access, it can create this really unequal division of labor when it comes to parenting and just household chores in general. And that bleeds into the workforce too. We prioritize men's careers and their earnings over women's because it's a more linear path. 

Allison: Right.

Paige: Whereas women are coming in and out of the workforce and that reflects on how our careers will grow. And so I think it's so complex, but the need is so great. And it really, no matter the age of the child, no matter how they were welcomed into your family, I think it is so important.

Allison: I totally agree. I mean, I even think back on, and I have a unique situation because my husband, actually we had Eve Rodsky on and I was telling her, I'm the stereotypical man in her book where my husband does actually a lot more at home. It's very odd, I would say. Like it's not what most households are dealing with, but you're right in the earliest days, everything was on me because he didn't get leave with our first child. 

And so it was...he had to figure it out though later because I had a job that I traveled. And so that was not a fun situation when I went back to work and I was leaving and all of a sudden it was like, and I felt really bad for him because he then had months that he had to sort of figure it out, but more slowly because he's at work. And so it's months and months for him to get to the same point that I got to in like three weeks. 

Paige: Right? It's like the great unlearning, like how to undo what we've created. And it's, I think it is a disservice to men and women, because I think men want, most men I know want to be really great dads and want to know their kids routines and what they need and how to comfort them. But when they don't have leave and they don't have the sick time maybe to take or whatever it is, then they don't get that opportunity in the same way that we do.

Allison: Right. So we didn't, I don't even know if we mentioned this, but after you adopted your first two children, you did give birth to two children after that. Did your husband leave with them?

Paige: He did not get leave with my first biological daughter. She was born in 2020. He did not get leave, but with our fourth and final child, he did. But I do like to highlight this, which is he took a month, I think it was about a month, it was 2022. He took the Massachusetts Paid Family Medical Leave Act that was available to him. 

But we had three older kids at the time who were in childcare and his leave, the pay that he had while on leave was about 50%. I think of his normal take home pay because he's a blue collar guy. So all of his pays and overtime and bonuses and it put us in a kind of really tight financial position because we were paying for daycare for three kids. And so he was eligible for more time off and we didn't take it because we couldn't really figure it out financially. 

And so it was amazing because prior he had never been able to take time off and also with my fourth, I had a C -section hysterectomy. And so I definitely needed to recover and couldn't do as much as I could after my first biological child, which was a vaginal birth. And so I think that dynamic was incredibly important for us, for him to be home with me.

Allison: Yeah, and it's a good point. We don't talk a lot about these paid leave programs in-state, or I should say, I don't talk as much about this, that they're never fully paid. It's always 50 to 60 % and then they max out at a certain amount. Now, a lot of companies will top that up. And so, sometimes it can look like you're getting, cause a lot of people do get full pay and it's supplemented by the state, but the vast majority of people do not get the top up from their company. 

And so, they are in this really tough position of, am I gonna take a 50 % pay cut for this time or not? And can we afford that? And so it's hard because it's like, it's so much better than what people have in a lot of states, but it's still not right. We're not there yet.

Paige: Right. And it all depends on your position at work, right? So my husband's in a union, which is why his company won't top him off because he's on the union side. If he'd been in the corporate side of his company, they would, right? But he's not. And so he doesn't get the top off. I have a friend who is a teacher and they just had eight weeks of paid leave on the table at a meeting and they decided to take it off. They're not going to do it. They won't let them. And the teachers are not eligible for the state's paid leave, unfortunately. 

And so they have all these rules and they were talking about, you could pull from the sick bank if you need to and all these things and that you can get an extended leave if you're incapacitated at some point in giving birth or having a child. And she's like that language, she's like, first off is just so wild, but she's like, also, you know, if I have a C -section, then I can qualify for more. And it might not necessarily be because of me physically recovering, but I can qualify because of the C -section. 

She's like, how unfair is that though to a foster parent or an adoptive parent who can't claim to be incapacitated. And so they don't get that leave with their child. And so it's really, it's so difficult because it's so tied to our employment oftentimes, even in a state like Massachusetts where we do have this act that allows us to have paid leave under certain conditions depending on where you work.

Allison: Yeah. Okay, let's talk about your side hustle. I don't know if you would call it that, but you started posting on Instagram and TikTok and things just took off. Tell me more about how, how did you start? What was the impetus? Why even start doing that?

Paige: Sure. So I work in e -commerce retail. So we sell clothes and bags and we use TikTok specifically for advertising. And we had a brand that whenever they'd post a video that went viral, they would have a huge bump in sales. And we were trying to learn more about the platform, the algorithm, you know, nobody, I still don't understand it, but I was trying to learn. And so I decided to start posting just for fun.

To be honest, I posted for fun one day and my first video just did well. And I was like, interesting. Maybe I have something to say that people resonate with. And so I started to post with no real intent. I didn't have a niche. I didn't have a topic. I was just posting typically about being a mother and being a working mother specifically. 

But when I really started to find my groove was when I started to share about three things pretty much in particular, the cost of childcare, and how inaccessible and unaffordable it is in the childcare crisis, the mental load and what that looks like typically for parents and mothers, and then the inequities that exist between men and women in the workforce and at home, specifically tied to the mental load and domestic labor.

And so once I started to talk about those things and share my experiences, I really started to kind of gain a following, but also really hone in on what I wanted to talk about and why I wanted to talk about it. And so,

It's been about a year since that happened and it's been fun and it's grown and it's been a great opportunity to connect with other women. I say women because my following is like 98% women, but women and men about these topics that are so intertwined and tie back to the earliest days of becoming a parent and trying to conceive and explore parental leave. This is all so tied together.

Allison: Yeah, are you like a hero at work now? I think that's so cool that you're like, I'm interested in this. So let me just go try it out. And then all of a sudden it works and here we are.

Paige: I do get it I do get a lot of slacks and being like, Paige, you came up in my feed or so-and-so sent me your post and didn't know I worked with you. So that's always fun, haha.

I had to go visit a fulfillment site, which is super unglamorous if you've ever been to one. And I was with my CEO and somebody came up and was like, I just love and she thought she was gonna say our brand. And then she's like your TikTok. And I was like, this is so embarrassing. But so they bleed in together. But I do try to keep them semi separate, you know, but it's funny. And it helps us learn how to use the apps a little better.

Allison: Yeah. Are you better or do you prefer TikTok versus Instagram? Like where do you land?

Paige: You know, I used to prefer TikTok because it just felt like you could say more and connect with more people. And I really enjoyed that app. And it's where I started. I was only on TikTok specifically because I didn't have friends on TikTok. So I felt a little bit safer posting on TikTok, you know, without all the judgment. And I've only been on Instagram for less than a year. 

As a general consumer of content, I defer to TikTok. I prefer TikTok content. But as a creator, the engagement that I have with my following on Instagram is just much more robust. I get to DM with them and I feel like I've made actual real connections through Instagram, whereas TikTok's algorithm is a little bit more like you're thrown out into the ether to millions of people and whether or not you have anything to talk about is...you know, who knows? And so while I still love that platform, I've definitely really enjoyed growing on Instagram and connecting with others.

Allison: Do you have a plan now that you've grown so much to do more with it?

Paige: Yeah, I would love to do more with it. What that looks like, I'm not quite sure. I have a few projects in the works, but my goal ultimately is to help women in particular, women and mothers, put words to their experiences, to articulate what it is that they're feeling and to have conversations with their partners so they can have happy, healthy relationships. And that is my intent behind everything that I do and I create because I feel like...

Allison: Mm-hmm.

Paige: When I was in the thick of becoming a new parent, I didn't have the language to say what I was feeling. I didn't know how to say I was drowning in the mental load or needed my partner to do more domestic labor. I didn't know what that was. I didn't have the words. And it was books like Fair Play for me with Eve that started to unlock, you know, it was like, it felt like reading books like that and hearing conversations like that just opened me up to be able to have conversations and to build a healthier relationship, and to enjoy motherhood because I didn't feel like I was enjoying it at the time. 

And so that's really what I hope to be able to do on a larger scale and what that looks like, I'm not quite sure yet, but that is my hope is to continue that work and also to educate people on the systemic issues that are impacting parents like lack of paid leave and affordable childcare, because that is a big part of this overall conversation why so many parents are feeling like it's really hard to be a parent right now.

Allison: I would love to ask you a few rapid fire questions if that's okay with you. Okay, because I was looking through these questions that we'd put together and a lot of this has to do with your content. 

Paige: Sure!

Allison:Most viral video you've posted and why you think it resonated.

Paige: I think my most viral video I'd have to look…it has maybe shy of 6 million views. It's either my response to a Dave Ramsey video about the cost of childcare. He said something like paying $20 ,000 a year was astronomical, which made me believe that he's uneducated on the cost of childcare. He also suggested finding a free summer camp. So if he's got any hookups, I'd love to hear it. 

So I responded to him on that and just shared the numbers as I know them to be true in my own life. Or it's a video where I responded to dads who said they were going to be home from golf at 3pm and didn't get home till 6pm. And my viewpoint on the inequities that exist between men and women in their free time, especially when they become parents.

Allison: What is your pet peeve in this world within these topics, things that you hear over and over again that just sort of drive you nuts within those three main pillars that you're posting about?

Paige: I don't love when people tell you that you shouldn't put your kids in childcare because it's selfish and that you if you have to you should rely on family because I think it continues to discredit women and their careers and their ambitions outside of being a mother and a wife but also the idea that we should exploit our family for free childcare. No, no.

Allison: Ugh. I'm just going to say my mom would not like hearing that. She'd be like, no, absolutely not. I've done my time.

Paige: Both grandparents, yeah, both sets of grandparents were like, don't count on us.

Allison: Funniest comment you received on a post and what the post covered.

Paige: Hmm funniest comment I received on a post. I actually don't know to be honest with you I tend not to look at my comments too much Because they can be a place with a lot of on social media with a lot of discourse And it can make you question yourself as a person and a parent and so I actually don't look at them Very much. So I don't know that I have an answer for you because I try I try to stay out of

Allison: That's why I like LinkedIn, because it's generally real people and it's a more professional environment. And so it's funny because I respond to a lot of them, but then with a few posts that have gone really viral on LinkedIn, then you get some really weird things happening on there. And then I step away. So I totally agree with you. It's like, I don't want to go there. 

Paige: Yes. Yes. Protect your peace.

Allison: Last one. What you're most proud of with the work that you're doing in the sort of working mother space.

Paige: I think the thing I am most proud of is that I have been able to help women have these conversations and I have been able to connect with men too, to allow them to empathize with their partner and understand where they're coming from.

I had a man reach out in my DMs who said, every time I see one of your videos, I have to decide whether or not I'm willing to be triggered today or not. And it's not because what you say is wrong. It's because I don't know if I'm able to hear it today or not. But it is valuable and I thank you for doing it. 

And I laughed. That was a funny DM. I laughed and I thought, I think that's it, right? You know, none of us, it's hard to reflect on how we're impacting our partners or not seeing our partners.

I don't always get messages like that, but when I do it reminds me that there is value in this work and it can allow women to be seen and supported and in order to thrive in what it is that they want to do, whether that's at work or at home.

Allison: Well, thank you so much for your time today. I absolutely loved this conversation. And we will make sure that people know exactly where to find you because I can see why your following has grown so much. And thank you so much for your time today.

Paige: Thank you, I appreciate it.